Mindfullness

Mindfullness means exactly what the word means. It is as simple. When practiced, it saves a lot of waste such as waste of time, happy moments, health etc. Before i decided to implement it, I used to keep doing the thing i was doing. If I am eating, i will keep eating even after i am full. I would have hard time to stop my bad habits. A simple habit to remind myself is enough to stop me from eating more. sleeping needlessly or just wasting time and energy is a big change in life.

I can identify with this song

Kabira Lyrics

Kaisi teri khudgarzi
Na dhoop chune na chhaaon
Kaisi teri khudgarzi
Kisi thor tike na paaon (x2)

Ban liya apna paigambar
Tar liya tu saat samandar
Phir bhi sookha mann ke andar
Kyun reh gaya

Re Kabira maan jaa
Re Faqeera maan jaa
Aaja tujhko pukaare teri parchhaaiyan
Re Kabira maan ja
Re Faqeera maan ja
Kaisa tu hai nirmohi kaisa harjaaiya

Tooti chaarpaai wohi
Thandi purvaai rasta dekhe
Doodhon ki malaai wohi
Mitti ki suraahi rasta dekhe..

Kaisi teri khudgarzi
Lab namak rame na misri
Kaisi teri khudgarzi
Tujhe preet purani bisri..
Mast Maula, mast Kalander
Tu hawa ka ek bavandar
Bujh ke yun andar hi andar
Kyun reh gaya..

Re Kabira maan jaa
Re Faqeera maan jaa
Aaja tujhko pukaare teri parchhaaiyan
Re Kabira maan ja
Re Faqeera maan ja
Kaisa tu hai nirmohi kaisa harjaaiya...

Relationships in India

A very large population in India has ensured low penalty for failed relationships but better proficiency to handling relations. In USA, relationships are so important. People generally live in nuclear families dependent for emotional support on a very small set of people. If people are staying at one place, it pays to make sure healthy relationships with limited number of people one gets to meet and live with. It is also the reason why death is so feared in USA and why people even in big cities suicide to get away from loneliness.

Situation is exactly opposite in India. I meet at least tens of people on a daily basis. I have to consistently adjust my behavior according to person i meet i. e. family member, servant, government officer or strangers. On one hand, this intense human interaction leads to excellent people skills but on the other hand, it causes lowering the value of maintaining a healthy relationships. If one relationship fails, people can afford to move on fast. Apathy and deception in relationships is, therefore, prevalent. Some people have made deception a profession. I know some who go on taking loan from one person after other only to never pay them back. But they can still do it because the sheer number of relationships they can afford to waste. 

i have changed address so many times

That i cannot remember.


may 2001 - may 2002 - chicken and ribs
may 2002 - may 2003 - adam
may 2003 - Dec 2003 - no indian
jan 2004 - may 2004 - campus square
may 2004 - may 2006 - graham
may 2006 - nov 2006 - 308
dec 2006 - dec 2007 - fountainhead, ma
sept 2007 - may 2008 - newton, ma
may 2008 - Dec 2008 - worcester, ma
Jan 2009 - Dec 2009 - Ahmedabad, IN
Jan 2010 - June 2010 - Delhi
July 2010 - Pittsburg, PA
Aug 2010 - Apr 2011 - Hellertown, PA
Apr 2011 to Oct 2011 - Whitehall PA
Nov 2011 - Jul 2013 - Corning, NY
Aug 2013 - Paris, France

I don't know who wrote but this is what i find in old books

Inside The Madness ( Exploration )
Missing image

I never really knew for sure

just how badly I was broken

Until the demons In my head

were prodded and awoken

Hearing all those whispers

crawling In my mind

I take a peek behind the mask

dreading what I'II find



Ash upon the embers

Fire within the cloud

Blends with shadowed whispers

and becomes my silken shroud

I have the scars to guide me

to show me where I've been

False hope, and Illusions

are mostly what I've seen



In darkened hours of sullen nights

as shrouded as the dead

Tears spring from my fragile mask

and drown me In my head

The calm Is now the storm

as fire drips from my eyes

Lift the mask slowly up  ~and~

look under my disguise

My journal during time in Indicorps 2009 - 10

31^st Jan 09

Today was the interview. I have prepared the interview by talking with Mamta. I was prepared to answer most of the questions found on the net. I reached ISB around 40 mins before the scheduled time. They gave me a word “realm” to write a hundred word essay. I had no difficulty writing an essay. By the time I finished the interview one guy took me to the room for interview. There was a panel of two staff members and an alumni to take my interview. I did not answer well to most of the questions and completely failed to steer the interview to present myself in the way I inteneded. 

9^th Feb 09

Disappointing day. I had hoped that EVDO card will be activated today and ISB will give call today. Both of the things did not materialize. I am tense, tomorrow is the last day of the decision by ISB. My mind has started preparing for a rejection. I realize that I have lost that willpower which used to make me come out of any crisis or make anything possible for me. Maybe ISB rejection will put back that fire in me.

10^th Feb. 09

ISB rejection is finally in as I expected. In reality, I had not expected the rejection. I have at least expected wait listing. But maybe I was this bad in the interview. I am in no mood to type anymore. Future seems so bad. But it is probably an overstatement that I am all that broken. I am slowly coming to senses that Indicorps is the perfect thing for me. Maybe this is the blessing in disguise.

19^th feb 09

Oh what a day. I worked all day on my computer. It is such a nice feeling of fulfillment at the end of the day. Indicorps has so amazing people. Staff people set out time with me to talk about my things. It is such a nice way to show care for me. I am all but impressed with this bunch of achievers. They work 10 in the morning to 2 in the night. Make their own food, wash their clothes, and travel in buses or on foot. They are in themselves living Gandhis. They set out on “be the change you want in the world”. And the rest is as good if not less. The kids all around make it so natural a place for me to stay and prosper. Sometimes insecurities bother me. I have no answers but questions and search only. I am sending emails for the green paper and getting reply back. It feels so nice to have this communication. I get a sense of power people reply when I contact them.

23^rd Feb.

Last week, we met Harris Wafford. Learnings –

And also two laborers who put sand in the GandiAhsram. Wondered about the meaning of self-pity self respect and come to see it in a different light. There are other migrants. But they seem to have better sense of self. Doctor spoke about the 50% share in the body and that you can not take care of your body. It is just that. Whether we take the responsibility of ourselves or not. I am gung-ho on the concept of indijournal.

27^th Feb 2009

The speak4 change class went real good. I could see point coming from people. We showed MLK “I have a dream” speech. It generated a lot of interest in people. We had a round on what dream we have. It was a surprise to hear some of the point brought up by people. Maulik pointed out that the speech was mostly forward looking and not backward looking. Most of the time MLK’s thoughts were pointed to a brighter future rather than remembering the past. Another point brought up by him during a discussion was that we are invariably linked with the country in all of our actions. If we bribe that actually goes into creating more corruption in the country. It is like we do our bit to a larger problem. We are no less to blame even if we did a small petty infringement of law.

I get a high out of a successful class. Siddharth gave a rousing presentation and I could see the favorable impression it made on people. They were excited and probably bring others to the class next time. After the class, I gave a lecture on bearing responsibilities to Jayesh. He was shirking responsibilities for quite some time now. He took the responsibility to create the class next time. After dinner we went to naturals icecream parlour to celebrate the success. I was wearing a kuch to karo yaar tshirt. There were some youg netas there smoking, drinking and chatting up. They made fun of us. I did not bother but instead of leaving the scene confronted them in their laughter by telling them which organization I come from. They did not bother much and I was off to have icecream.

Jan 9^th, 2010

A lot of change in the first week of the January. We (Mamta and I) went to the Diu to celebrate our anniversary and subsequently moved to Delhi. Diu is closest you can get to a heaven on earth at least from our standard. For one, there was no tout to take you around the island and second, no hassle getting a hotel room like other places in India where you have to prove that married people have to prove their marriages. Diu has bike rental places where we got a scooty to set exploring beaches of this 40 square kilometer island. What a vacation it was, day were spend exploring the island, evenings on the moonlit beaches next to the fire listening music of the waves and nights making love. We replaced bottled water with the coconut water available everywhere, ate out at local Portuguese places and drank a lot and crated scene.  

Feb 28^th 2010

I realize that life is an abyss. You can not fall enough. This is such a valid reason for optimism. Any base is a self-made creation.

May 10^th 2010

I learned at Indicorps that simplicity is viable. It is also convenient to take a bus rather than wait for a taxi besides a bus present more opportunities to observe and interact with people. Recently, during such a bus ride an interesting thing happened. On the way to a certain destination, the bus driver insisted on following rules and forced me to disembark a mile before the destination. I found it strange that a bus wala in Delhi would follow rules. On my return an hour later, I, incidentally, got the same bus, though I was nowhere close to a bus stop. The same bus wala followed rules on my way to destination and forgot about rules on my return. I thought hard about the contrast in the behavior of the bus driver and finally discovered what is called aligned incentives.

As far as I know buses are leased to bus drivers on daily (weekly or monthly) basis and therefore, it is in the bus driver’s interest to maximize earning. One of the ways to maximize earning is to not run buses when riders are fewer. The lowered bus frequency could be experience on a hot afternoon (apparently, when buses are needed the most). Also, the maximizing earning effect could be experienced in how bus drivers treat people. Once a person purchase ticket, the drive’s interest is fulfilled. There is no other value to extract from the person. Thus, on my way to my destination, I was forced to disembark because I have already purchased the ticket. Following rules was a convenient way to achieve the intended outcome. However, on my return, I held the value as a possible customer, and so rules were not followed.

This incident made me think about other things happening around me. The world runs not because of rules but because of aligned incentives.

The primary focus of a bus driver is to maximize earning. 

Old Amazing Poems

I can't believe now I wrote them.

kOsao kOsao AnauBava idyao tUnao ijandgaI

kOsao kOsao AnauBava idyao tUnao ijandgaI

isarifro Ajagar sao laaogaao ko saaqa

baadlaao sao #vaaba laokr

calao Aayao banaato KUbasaUrt hvaa

AaOr pa ilayao baoisar pOr kI ijandgaI

kOsao kOsao rastao pr Gaumaayaa tUnao ijandgaI

AarjaU ikyaa jaao

]D,anaao kao mana kI

]D,anao calao ptnga saI

calato calao jaha^M laokr gayaI hvaa

AaOr pa gayao ek hlkI ijandgaI

khanaI

vaao Aba khanaI bana gayaI

jaao kla huAa krtI qaI

hr ek puranaI caIja kao

saD, jaanaa caaihyao

Aba vaao vaIranaI hao gayaI

jaao ABaI tk BarI rhtI qaI

hr ek idla kao kuC idna tao

KalaI rhnaa caaihyao । 

मेरी आश 

मैं सोचता हूँ ,
मैं रहूँगा हमेशा 
ऐसे ही उदास 
ऐसे ही खिलखिलाता या कहो 
ऐसा ही सर्फिराज 

वक़्त की आंधियां या तो मेरे 
हौसले तोड़ देंगी या फिर 
प्यार की गलियां मेरे लिए 
रास्ता ना देंगी, फिर भी 

कुछ है यहाँ 
मेरे अंदर बैठा हुआ तैयार 
इन उदासियों के काले कीचड़ में 
स्वच्छ पानी की तरह मिला हुआ 
मेरे अंधकार में 
रोशिनी सा घुला हुआ 
हर एक मेरी कमजोरी को थामे 
उस्का मजबूत पह्लु 
उस्के अस्तित्व का अभिन्न हिस्सा 
मेरी आश  

एक विचार 

केवल एक विचार है
शरीर है तो अस्तित्व है
प्यार है घ्रणा है
रिश्तो में बंधा है
अधिकार है

हल्कापन नहीं है
जैसा शरीर के ना होने पर होता
काया है तो रास है
भूख है प्यास है
नींद है आश है
अन्जान है पर बना है

शरीर असुविधा है
भारी तन लेकर चलना पड़ता है
"मैं" है तो भय है
विनती है अहंकार है
अँधेरे में जो पला है
रोशिनी विज्ञान है

मेरी कवितायें 

मेरी कवितायें
मेरे मैं की कहानी हो सक्ती है ।
मेरे सच का बना दर्पण
तुम्हारे सच को दिखा सकती हैं ।

मेरी कवितायें
मेरे सुख दुःख की साथी हो सकती हैं ।
इस घने अनंत में वो सूर्य हो सकती हैं
तुम्हारे दिये में वो बाती हो सकती है।

सोता दिन 

एक सुबह निकली
बिना धूप की ।
ना ही उस्में तेज था
ना थी सोखी
जो सोख सक्ती, मेरे आलस को

और फिर बरसात चली
बिना बूँदों की ।
ना ही उसमें नमी थी
ना ही थी उमंग
जो मस्ती से भर सक्ती, मेरे मन को।

आखिर में बस एक आह निकली
बिना विचारो के  ।
बिना भावो के ।
ना ही उसमे गम था
ना ही थी खुली हँसी
जो कम से कम रोक सक्ती, मेरे सोते दिन को।